Mothers are lost for a myriad of reasons – be it childbirth itself, accident, illness, poverty, circumstances of family, culture, or fate, and the like. Mothers, though physically present, can, also, go missing by way of grief, addiction, depression, subjugation, psychiatric issues, and life doing life. These moms, for whatever set of reasons, are unable to mother. I call their children “unmothered.”

Being without a mom wears heavily on a soul. There is none of the expected nurturing, support, and guidance. You feel untethered and adrift without the emotional umbilicus of mother. Your world is slightly off its axis. There is something missing and that missing is mom.

For those oh-you-were-way-too-young-to-lose-your mother, sometimes a dad or a relative tries mightily to fill in the gap and other women step in and step up to offer motherly guidance and affection. And no matter now lovely and well-meaning they are and the myriad of kindnesses they heap upon you, it is still not enough. It can never be enough, because you want your mom — the mom that you hold in your heart — the mom that is supposed to be with you, right now, at this very moment.

This deep yearning can last a lifetime. You never feel quite right, quite whole. Something is always off. Not all of your life experiences match up with others. There is an unspoken language in those-folks-with-mothers club. You feel somewhat alien and sometimes, even, ashamed because of these differences. It feels so unfair. You are angry and hurt that you lost out on the very basic, most primal, and desperately coveted mother love.

For those who are unmothered, loving their moms can be complicated. These moms are not emotionally on the scene; they can be in and out the door. There are often adult concerns — such as medical, legal, or financial issues — that require you to grow up way too quickly. Frequently, you are the only adult in the room. There can be attendant craziness, high drama, and ongoing crises and emergencies. There can also be expansive relief — as well as guilt and grief for feeling that way — when this mom is no longer in your life.

The experience of being motherless and unmothered leaves its mark — glaringly obvious or subtle and just-below-the-surface. These life experiences also impart ways of being to those who grow up, literally or metaphorically, without a mom. 

Here are some of the struggles of the motherless and the unmothered along a continuum. We human beings are rarely all of one thing or totally one side of an equation. The following are broad strokes for your consideration. Pending your age and the type of non-mothering you experienced, you may find yourself somewhere on the spectrum or, perhaps, you have worked through it all and can see how far you have progressed.

1.  TRUST: TOO MUCH or TOO LITTLE

You trust indiscriminately everyone and everything, or you trust very few, if any at all. Because of the loss of the stabilizing and connecting influences of your mom, your sense of attachment along with concomitant trust and safety have been compromised. 

The ideal would be to

• learn discernment and distinction so that your choices are considered
• learn how to protect yourself from the unwanted and unnecessary
• learn how to create boundaries

2.  SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY: SCATTERED or MISSION CONTROL

You can be very helpless, hapless, scattered, and inconsistent. The grounding from mothering has by-passed you completely. You can unconsciously be stuck in childhood. You may expect a grown-up or someone-in-shining-armor-or-a-steel-apron to come in and make it all better. Or you may feel you are “off the hook” and it is acceptable for your life to be in tatters because you have no mother. Or your life may be an ongoing tantrum to your wretched loss.

Conversely, you may be uber-responsible. You are capable and running mission control with nary a misstep. You have spent years of your life cleaning up messes and taking care of what needs to be done. You are good at doing this, and, usually very good of doing this all by yourself. Don’t worry about you; you can handle it all. Being in control has given you a sense of safety.  It is hard for you to ask for help, admit vulnerability, or show any kind of weakness. You are exceedingly self-reliant and frequently stubborn.

Clearly, the optimum here would be

• grow up and take responsibility for your life
• learn to trust yourself
• learn to ask for help
• relax your need to control
• learn to accept your humanness
• forgive yourself for your mistakes

3.  HUMOR: SERIOUS or CLOWN

For some, there is precious little for you to crack a smile or find the humor in anything. Your life has been hard, upsetting, and disappointing. You are a serious person. In the extreme, you can be strident, inflexible, and rigid

Others cope by finding the humor in almost everything. You can be the class clown, the smart-ass, or the wise-cracking one who can turn a room upside down with your well-timed comments. Your sarcasm is anger coming out sideways.

Further, the seriousness or more sarcastic side of your nature reflects your style in dealing with authority figures. 

The more serious of the motherless and unmothered will do everything in their power to please authority figures. You want to make others happy and, by extension, happy with you. You want to be seen as the good person and receive approbation from those who rank above you. 

The less serious and more comedic are likely to roll their eyes and make comments to authority figures. Their manner would suggest, “You’re not the boss of me”; they are not upended or rattled by the higher-ups perception of them. Interestingly, they may also be the superlative employee or student.

For an easier ride through life, you might consider the following:

• learn to lighten up and laugh at yourself and the ironies of the world
• share your heartache with others
• adopt more of a middle ground position
• learn to express your anger in a more direct manner
• understand that you are not what you accomplish, but who you are
• accept yourself

4.  LOOKING FOR HOME

The unmothered and motherless are often searching for a sense of home. You can psychologically feel adrift in the world. No place feels quite right. You can frequently be peripatetic as you connect and disconnect with people and places looking for some unrealized sense of home.

Possible solutions:

• Find the home within your heart. You will never go wanting.
• Maintain your significant relationships, no matter how distant or proximate they are.
• Understand that you can create a physical home with beauty, safety, and objects of memory wherever you live.
• You can create yearly rituals that anchor you; for example: a summer weekend at the beach with good friends; a holiday shopping adventure in a neighboring town; a Halloween party or a spring brunch; a ping pong tournament, etc.
• Look for ways to connect, i.e., book clubs, volunteer work, animal shelter, etc., and build relationships.
• Look for what is meaningful to you and focus your energies there.

5.  LEARNING HOW TO SELF-SOOTHE

It is difficult for the motherless and unmothered to soothe and comfort themselves. You are often excellent caretakers of others, but when it comes to self you can be discombobulated and seek to deal with your restless agitation via non-stop sleep, chronic activity, using substances or activities that distances you from your jangled feelings.

It’s time to practice:

• Make a list of what makes you feel good in a sense-oriented way. For example, is it a bubble bath, a scented candle, a walk in the woods, playing with flowers, taking a run, fixing the most perfect sandwich, drinking a cappuccino, writing in a journal, or baking bread? Then pull from this list when you are frazzled.
• Call a trusted friend. Go to a meeting. Share your feelings in a safe and appropriate way.
• Play with your pet.
• Make a list of what makes you feel safe and protected.
• Create a safe place or sanctuary within your home.
• Stop. No, really, stop, and take a breath. Stop and take a break.
• As one mom told me, the majority of her everyday family problems were alleviated with a good, hot meal and a good night’s sleep. It is basic mothering – and it works.

6.  DEALING WITH ABANDONMENT

No matter how you lost your mom, the profound sense of abandonment can leave a wake of unresolved feelings that require inner work, deep introspection, and often professional help. 

Here is the slippery slope: 

If you are abandoned by your mom (for whatever reason), you can feel that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. You are not OK; you are not worthy. If you are abandoned and not worthy, your thinking can take you to that treacherous black hole where you are convinced you are unlovable. If you are unlovable, there will be no one in your life to love you. You will always be alone. You are forever abandoned. This is excruciatingly painful and horrible circular thinking. 

What to do?

• Be brave and full of self-worth or, at the very least, act as if, and create a family of your heart. It is never too late to be connected — first to yourself and then to others. It is never too late to learn the valuable lessons of love. It is never too late to give yourself the elixir of mother love than escaped you in your earlier years.
• Being unmothered and motherless teaches you — and yes, often the hard way — to trust yourself, to stand alone and claim your life, and to create your happiness without the anchor, cheering section, nurturing, and support of a mom. It is a process. 
• That said, the motherless and unmothered wounds, when healed, give you an unparalleled wisdom and compassion that can help change the world. 
• And for the record, the world is in desperate need of mother love to foster peace, understanding, and co-operation; to build bridges and share resources; and to create a world where children are safe, healthy, fed, and schooled. You just never realized that as a soul you signed up for the advance course in soul development and you are here, at this very moment in time, to make a profound difference in the well-being of the planet using every bit of your heart wisdom and experience. And we thank you in advance for making sure the mother love does not get lost in the global shuffle.

I salute the part of us that runs to help, the part that runs into the fray and not away from it. I applaud the part of us that feeds the hungry. I honor the part of us that protects our kids and makes sure our children are nourished, nurtured, and guided. I honor the part that withstands hardship, cold, and hunger for the ones we love. I celebrate the part of us that dives deep and likes to be present and take in the wonders of the world. I love that penguin part of us that values connection and shared responsibilities; I delight in the part of us that likes to play with our friends and relax into the joy of being with one another. I celebrate the faithfulness to loved ones, the strong imperative to protect the children, the need for community and connection, and the delight in nature. And, I get a kick of how swell is it that we can always pull something black and white out of our closet to look ever-chic and pulled together as we follow a caring path and become more like our penguin pals.

Thank you, penguins for reminding us of the way.

Really, though, who can handle betrayal? Its very name conjures up deep hurt and heartache. Betrayal is the stuff of great literature, pulp fiction, films, theater, romance novels, country western ballads, and the top 40. Even Harry Potter deals with betrayal. It’s a universal theme. Betrayal is part and parcel of the human experience. Hasn’t every card-carrying adult experienced betrayal of one sort or another?

Betrayal comes in many packages including lies, sins of omission, broken promises, hurtful actions, stubborn passivity, and choosing anew.

Betrayal is relational; it requires a connection. Betrayal happens across the board, from your neighbor, your colleague, your spouse, a family member, a professional, or a beloved institution. It is an equal opportunity offender; it cuts at the essential cord that attaches us to one another. It breaks a bond predicated on trust.

For the receiver, betrayal hurts. It’s the unexpected knife in the back, sucker punch to the gut, or dagger in the heart. It’s a devastating blow. You are left breathless and reeling in pain. How could you do this to me?

Betrayal is also unexpected for the receiver. It comes out of the blue; like a flaming meteor plunked on your door step, betrayal has not been anticipated. There are no rehearsed coping mechanisms or strategies in place. You are confused and unprepared. You never saw it coming.

For the giver, betrayal is premeditated; it is an individual choice that has been hatched in secrecy and, possibly, duplicity. The act of betrayal is a seminal moment on the personal journey.

 That crossroad provides a choice, a choice that can be made out of fear or faith. A choice made out of fear can be a real or perceived easy way out, such as a friend who refuses to repay a business loan or someone who walks away from a sick relative. Whereas a choice based on faith can be a fearless act of courage, think of an Enron whistle-blower or a spouse leaving an abusive marriage.

The concept of betrayal can be slippery. There are times you may decide to betray another in order to be true to yourself. There is saying that comes from one of the 12 Step programs that says “It’s not that I love you any less, it’s just that I love myself more.”

Clearly, betrayal is self-centered act and, as such, there is rubble and damage left in the wake of betrayal. That said, whether good or bad, betrayal is a matter of context and perhaps, just perhaps, the good or bad piece is irrelevant in the long run.

 Let me explain:

From my perspective, the root cause of betrayal is emotional survival, a fundamental core drive for safety and protection to be in the world. This drive is based on life experiences, especially the early years. It is not rational; it is totally visceral.

The enormous magnetic pull of this drive is to keep safe and to keep safe at all costs. And safe is a matter of individual wiring. Safe can be avoiding abandonment, escaping a smothering situation, becoming the subject of adoration, or needing to be the most dependable.

Enormous hurt and pain notwithstanding, the primary drive of betrayal is not to hurt or harm you, unless, of course, the betrayer is a complete psychopath–and that’s a different kettle of fish all together. The drive is emotional safety and survival. You are not the target, per se, but have become the collateral damage.

Without a doubt, betrayal is crazy-making. There are always repercussions. What you do to me or I do to you has ramifications, be it mental, emotional, physical, energetic, or spiritual. Cause and effect, actions and reactions are the physics of life. Betrayal can trigger cascades of feelings and thoughts, such as abandonment and rejection or guilt and self-loathing. And, surprisingly, betrayal also offers alchemical properties. Out of the baseness of betrayal the possibility of self-empowerment, self-love, compassion, and increased consciousness can shine forth.

See, the light does get tricky. If you get down to it, each of us has betrayed someone and each of us has been betrayed. The betrayals may have been the major league life changing types or possibly the smaller, subtler, compromising, integrity-crumbling kinds.

Regardless, betrayal is a part of life and a requisite part of the spiritual path. It is a master teacher. Betrayal levels you; the entire playing field is gone. You are called to face yourself and choose how to respond, how to rebuild, and how to go forward. Certainly, you can hang out in victim mode; the choice is yours. Or you can transmute the dirt into greater clarity and step into the fullness of you with a kick-ass attitude.

Join Adele live via telephone or order the MP3 download afterwards. It’ll be a good one!

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Technology is wonderful, and, equally, it can be exhausting for me.  My email in-boxes are full of great things I want to read and way too many good intentions on my part to respond with substance and depth to many meaningful emails.  As the saying goes,” I am dancing as fast as I can” and yet, I am still not getting the job done. This makes me feel yucky.  I hate this about myself.

So, let me say to everyone I know, have met, have corresponded with, and with whom I have dropped the email ball, please accept my deepest apologies for being slow and a slacker. I am human and overwhelmed with triple digits in my in-box. And, needless to say, beyond emails, there are other places where I have been less than stellar. 

I hate that I am not perfect, cannot juggle it all with ease, and have emails from 2011 that I never answered. I sit in uncomprehending belief that I have not attended to this or that. And, the result is not good. I am very unhappy with myself.

This got me thinking. Enough of the ball and chain of what I was supposed to do and how terrible I am for not responding sooner, better, or, if at all; I need to move past this ever-growing mountain of shame and get on with it.

To that end, I decided I need to write A FORGIVENESS LIST. It is time to pull out the big guns. It is time for acceptance and compassion.

I want to clear out my inner garden and prepare for new sparkly green growth. It is time for the old muck to go.

I have my yellow legal pad at the ready. I plan to keep it nearby for as long as needed.  I say to myself — and God, too, because, that makes this endeavor feel more meaningful — please forgive me for being an unconscious and insensitive person, a smart ass, a horse’s patoot, as well as a small-minded and tiny-hearted human.  My list is numbered and I keep adding to it because I am asking for forgiveness of e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g in my life that I can pull up, dredge up, get red in the face about, and, even, remember from last week. Once I get started, there is some real momentum.

I think forgiveness is a nifty idea; it’s a kind of spiritual spring housecleaning. I may make this an annual event.

I am writing to God as a kind of accountability. In essence, though, I am asking myself to forgive myself and, therein, lies the rub. How easily can I let myself off the hook? Am I totally willing to forgive myself for my actions and thoughts – and that damnable mountain of emails? Can I let go of the should-coulda-woulda’s?

There are times when I can mentally punish myself many times over for some real or perceived jerkiness. Can I do the harder thing and forgive myself?

 In doing that, I take responsibility for my part of the action – be it an actual deed or thought or some mental construct. I accept the reality of my humanness. I insert compassion and forgive myself for not living up to some manufactured ideal way of being. I shine some light on my personal darkness and forgive myself for my human ways.

In Aramaic, the word “sin” means to “miss the mark.”  Clearly, I have missed and will continue to miss the mark a few thousand times.  Over the coming weeks, I am going to work on letting go of the old baggage and attendant energies and forgive myself. I am going to start spring with a clean slate and an abundance of compassion for myself and the world. I am feel tingly-good already.

Care to join me? Does your inner garden need tending?

Still Looking Ann

Dear Still Looking Ann,

You’ve got to keep your mojo going. Here are some possibilities:

1.     Devote at least 15 minutes every day to doing something that is job-search related. I know the theory is that you spend all day, but when nothing is going on by way of interviews, rewriting resumes, networking calls, feed your vision with at least 15+ minutes of good energy.

2.    Volunteer. Be it in your field or another, there is good grace and good juju in helping out and being of service.

 3.    Be kind to yourself and understand there is a big picture. Nothing happens a minute sooner or a minute later than it is supposed to happen. You cannot pressure the Big Time Keeper.

 4.    Remember who you are. You are not just a job title or a set of credentials. You are a person with experience, heart, and soul. There is no one else like you on the planet.

 5.     Don’t be afraid to say, “Yes!” to anything that lights up your soul. You can’t go wrong.

 6.     When in doubt about your next move, using your integrity and a high heart, choose the next right thing.

7.   When torn about choices, practice the Wisdom of the Elders: Get still, let the smoke clear, and your answer will surface.

 8.    If you have to take something temporary and part-time to keep the wolf from the door, do it with a smile. You never know who you might meet, what karma you’re burning through, or what experiences you might glean.

 9.      Daily, say to yourself, “Yes, I am!”  And, you are!

Good luck, Still Looking Ann.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pengwin, What do pengwins have for deezert? Lil’ N

Dear Lil’ N,

This penguin loves popsicles for dessert. They are a tasty, crunchy, icy treat.  My favorite flavors are krillsicles, squidsicles, and blueback spratsicles.  For fun, I like to dive into seal holes and snarfle whatever comes my way. Yum.  Did you know that the fish scales can tickle ?

Thanks for your fun question, Lil’ N. Think I will go pull out a squidsicle right now.

Are you a seeker? Do you have a question, concern, or matter of exploration? Do not hesitate: Ask the Penguin. 

Of course, nothing stays the same. It always changes.

And whatever it is, it is all going to be ok – in my world, your world, and our world. Why? Because whatever is thrown our way,  we say hello to in the moment. We can choose — and there is power in choice – a way to respond. We will handle – yep, that’s right, simply handle.  We do it anyway. We are forever dealing with life all the time. So, why get all twisted about what can happen, let’s just say hello to the moment and know that whatever shows up, we can greet in any number of ways, such as ….

being responsible,

acting with integrity,

being compassionate,

being creative,

asking for help,

choosing to put it on the back burner,

delegating,

turning it over to God, 

or

maybe, even, laughing at the incredulity of it all.

And as I post this, I understand there is another winter storm forecasted for my neighborhood the end of this week. So spring will arrive a little later and we can let winter have a last dance or two before spring surprises us all.

Dear Penguin,

You have that clear, no-nonsense gaze of someone who sees what is real and true. How do you do that when we are surrounded by noisy, confused energies from all different sources?

Thanks,

Fuzzy Brain in Connecticut

Dear Fuzzy Brain,

You’re not sounding so fuzzy to me, but, maybe, overwhelmed with all of what life is offering by way of experiences. Time has accelerated. There are more expectations, pressures, demands, and, alas, crises. Everyone has an opinion; many have an agenda. There are multiple balls being lobbed by the universe. Who’s on first? What comes second?

What is important is to know yourself.  It can be easy to be reactive to what is happening in the moment, but, now, more than ever, it is very important to know what you think and feel. Work to find your center. Stay grounded in you.

You are not required to know all the answers, much less all of the solutions. You are, however, are asked in these challenging times to be aware of what resonates with you. Does it feel good? Or do you feel up-ended, angry, or just plain yucky.

What’s a seeming Fuzzy Brain to do?

1.  When you are surrounded by uncertainty, the next step is simply to do what’s right.  And the next step after that? Do what’s right. There’s a pattern here.

2.    Put self- judgment on the back shelf. It clouds the thinking process. Be gentle with yourself.

3.    Allow what is. Think of the Serenity Prayer by the twentieth century American theologian, Reinhold Niebuhr: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

4.   Check in with your heart and see what resonates as truth for you. Pending your perspective, truth can be subjective. If a reporter on one corner of a NYC block reports a building on fire and a reporter on the opposite side of the building at a different coroner does not see the fire, what is truth. There is truth and we would all agree there is also Truth.

5.   Remember there are many ways at looking at things. Try for the “and and” vs. the “either/or” approach. Make room at the table for all points of view.

6.   Understand that confusion is a part of the equation. Carl Jung said a sign of maturity is “being able to hold the tension of opposites.”

7.   Take 15 minutes of quiet time a day. Sit with a candle and just be. Try to quiet your mind from all incoming stimulation. Unhook from technology. Your brain will thank you for this daily exercise with increased feelings of happiness.

8.  Spend time in nature. This reminds us of the big picture and grounds our energies.

9.   Keep yourself safe (on all levels) and sane.

10.   Look for the gift and lesson in everything that comes your way. As the saying goes, the present is in the Present.

11.   Look for confirmation from the universe by learning to read symbols.

12.   Trust yourself. And smile.

Do you have a question for the Penguin? Go to Ask the Penguin and let the Penguin help you make sense of your upside-down world.

May you know you are loved.

May your heart be full.

May your heart be strong.

May your heart be open.

May your heart be clear.

Much love, you Swell Ones, you.